Tuesday, June 17, 2008 @4:05 PM
first and foremost, and AGAIN, HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY BUB PEN!
thank you for the lyrics, thank you for the sleepless nights i've caused you, and thank you, for being my friend. love you lots GEE :D
i thought i sort of neglected this lil writing space. so here i am.
i think at this point of time, it's no secret how much i love my music, and how much i believe it possesses magical powers, enabling people to connect on higher levels, able to heal the most painful wounds, and simply putting a smile on our faces on an otherwise ordinary day.
i always wished our lives were movies, you know the ability to just put it an old tape in the vcr and press play, watching and recollecting all the millions of meaningful memories from a bygone year that have since become wastefully vague and distant. when i think of our lives as movies, i like to imagine what the soundtrack to each of our own respective journeys would be.
i remember in 2005 i actually put together a playlist chronicling the feelings i had for a particular someone. it was pretty neat as i remember, with the songs chronologically ordered to reflect the days from our first meeting, to the subsequents lows, to the eventual acceptance and letting go. that was a long time ago.
i'm not sure i could compile a soundtrack for my life at present; i'm afraid there would be too much emocore and what not. it wouldnt sell i think. but i can pinpoint a song that probably reflects everything about me now. the way i feel, the way i am. my outlook on everything that comes my way, my approach to anything that will faze me. and suprisingly, it's not from one of my favourite bands.
quite honestly, i think it's one of the best songs ever. i've listened to it like 12 times in a row already. just now whilst it was playing, you came online. that was almost like a torrential downpour of emotion haha. but yeap, all's well that ends well.
i think everyone should compile a soundtrack of their lives, and it doesnt have to be everything crammed in one compilation. i think we can have many volumes, like how star wars has come up with episodes 1-6. we should have soundtracks for specific years of our lives, they might even go a long way in enlightening us on how we have changed/grown/matured.
this is the song of my life: Coldplay - Fix You
⥠you and i both loved
Tuesday, April 15, 2008 @12:59 PM
to my lovei think i have finally realised why breaking up is so difficult. it kinda hit me just, in my half-druken, half-pensive stupor.
the truth is, i think we actually dont mourn the demise of the relationship. rather, we mourn the demise of a friendship. not any friendship for that matter, but probably one of the greater friendships you will ever have in life.
when you spend so much time with a particular person, you invariably get familiar with one another, accustomed to their dos and don'ts, and naturally with familiarity comes security, or at least stability. we must never underestimate how much we all value and need stability in our lives. something constant, something that will never change or relent despite all the negativity that may be going on in our lives at that particular moment. something you can always turn to for comfort and relief. someone who's always there for you, regardless of how worthless you feel, who will hold your hand and see all the beauty in you.
mums and dads are the other people who can do that. that's why i think everyone should be pretty good friends with their parents. despite my many shortcomings in my relationship with them, i know at the end of the day, they are two people from a microscopically-small group of people that are constants in my life.
i can safely say that in the two-plus years of my ever so serious relationship thus far, she was my best friend by a mile. and i reckon the hurt from a lover leaving you burns deeply and only for a short while. the subsequent pain from losing a friend is less bitter and hateful, but filled with so much more sorrow, and lasts all the more longer. some people probably never get over their best friend leaving them.
i would love to list all the things she used to do for me that made me feel special, made me feel adequate, and more importantly, made me feel more loved than i have ever felt in a long long time. but that would be going against all the promises i've made to myself about moving on (but not letting go yet).
i still sleep on my side of the bed. funnily enough, it's become second nature to leave the side closer to the window untouched. i miss her presence the second she left my sight leaving for sg after the vacations. there's a certain emptiness to the whole thing, but the spaces are not there because there's no one to hug or kiss anymore. rather, it feels so damn vacant because there isn't that one person to just hold your hand when things aren't that right, or just laugh about the silliest things anymore.
using a phrase we so often throw about but perfectly sums it all up, break-ups are truly "such a waste". the death of all that was golden in the past, the departure of what was a given thing in the present, and the demise of realizing something beautiful in the future.
passion. i reckon that's what many people go through right now actually. they mistake it for love of course, too caught up in the intoxication and ecstasy to note the difference. but passion, it's the greatest euphoria in the world, and dies down pretty rapidly.
love. you don't get overly happy-high from love. you don't brag to your friends how great your "love"-life is. that would be your social life which we so often get confused about as well. telling your mates how many chicks you picked up at a club. we often ask how one's lovelife is going, referring to questions such as the aforementioned. they couldn't be more different.
what you DO get from love is contentment. or at least, that's what i personally fervently believe. you walk around with a smile on your face, that nothing can wipe off. you're definitely not on top of the world, but all of a sudden the world seems like a decent place to be living in.
love = friendship.
perhaps one day my random musings on this topic will be read by her. maybe she will be touched and come back to me (laughs). in an ideal case scenario, i hope this does really happen. for what we are going through now, is unbearable. i thought to myself after the long talk on the phone with her that night. why does it have to be so simple and hard at the same time? i wanted to have the easier way out, but that would have meant having it the hard way for her. so i let her go.
that is love after all isn't it? that's the courtesy i was afforded anyway. making mistakes, having countless fallacies, and still being appreciated for the person i am. an initial fear of commitment, a particular dislike for wearing anything besides beaten-down hoodies, to name just a few.
perhaps in a couple of years, or maybe just months, i will look back and think how silly i sounded. i might go, "come ash, that was never love." you never know, do you. but in a perfect world, i will stand tall and say i am the luckiest man alive. in my second relationship, i was already taught the beauty of love. i was given a great friendship, and i knew what it was like to be content.
you don't need much more in life do you. everyone's always aiming so high. i'm not saying it's a bad thing, sometimes i wish i had more desire. lack of ambition is one of my greatest shortcomings. but no one knows how to be content anymore. parents want you to be a doctor. shallow guys not settling for anything but the hottest girls. materialistic girls not settling for anything but the nicest threads.
i guess the thing i miss most about having a best friend, is having someone to maintain your sanity, reminding you in this day and age we live in that we're not so crazy after all. but having said that, at least i did have a best friend. for that, i am content.
for i have been loved. or can i say.. i'm still being loved?
friendship = love.
right now, i know you still love me, and you feel as miserable as i do. but learn to smile once again. there's so much more to explore, so much more for you to experience. one day, when you feel that long-term distance isn't that much of a problem anymore. look behind you, i'm still waiting.
⥠you and i both loved
Monday, September 24, 2007 @7:25 AM
hi it's me and i'm back again. i know i keep having monthly intervals in between posts but today feels like a good morning to blog. it's 0730 on a early monday morning, and i have footy at in less than 6 hours time but i'm not one bit sleepy. i thought i was feeling emo abit earlier when i was listening to emo songs and reading blog history and stuff like that. but i realised i'm not feeling emo. i'm feeling pretty upbeat actually, like happy-reflective. like i keep bouncing around to the music in my chair and laugh out loud at past events that i've only just remembered. pretty good actually it makes me happy i created a blog last year, cause memory never fails to fail us.
i know they say getting a tattoo is risky business cause you might regret it but i spent the last 10 minutes disrespectfully vandalising my whole left forearm and i have to admit i really like the look of it!!! i drew my trademark 'friendly ghost', a butterfly, a star, the letters MCR (for my chemical romance), and i wrote "eat spit" don't ask me why. and above my wrist and below my knuckles i wrote HW=S which i do before every game anyway (hard work = success: for those who don't know i have a history since young for being the laziest player ever). my arm looks right cool now but if i really got it inked how am i ever gonna get married!!
me and my housemates (meaning el and jones) are going to nevada next week!! should be fun cos my best friend is going (although i kinda force him along hahah!) plus jones get along really well with us in the house so this trip should be real fun. other than that, my exams wind up on the 5th of november but i wont be back that soon cause i'll be trying to pass my diving before i get back. will keep you posted.
anyway some people just dont know when to stop being irritating. it's not like we purposely choose to be agitated by a person's behavior but wow some people just push it to the max!! like abel said we're not the cool gang, we don't actively seek people to discriminate and ridicule so just be yourself and everyone's good. but when people try being someone they are absolutely not, it's not even funny it's shit-annoying.
i had this really cool dream about a week ago anyway!! it was EXACTLY like the movie '50 first dates' as in i had episodic amnesia or whatever it is called. i could remember everything before the accident but after that it was all forgotten every new day. and my family had to do the same thing, when i woke up there were diaries and cut outs about things that have happened and events in my life that were forgotten. and the really surreal thing was finding two children running towards me and knowing they were my kids even though i didn't know them. in terms of rarity, that has to be one of the better dreams.
ok i have rambled on long enough, it's good to drop by back here once in awhile to leave a post and remain blog-active. whoever still reads this, drop me a tag it would be interesting to know how many people still hit this joint. ashley out!
p.s// i think i have a rough idea of how many souls still visit this blog. most probably my mei, eva and pen. hahah thanks for the loyalty and support -chuckles
⥠you and i both loved
Friday, July 20, 2007 @10:55 AM
hello people! woah woah it sure has been quite some time yeah.
well, how are you guys?
i've been okay, still the bz and popular guy as always -chuckes
haha i have to write this down for memory's sake and just for sheer embarassment of a certain chow yenteng. last night yenteng asked me "oi are you going 255 this sunday??"haha yes yenteng i'll see u there, be there or be square!
went out just now with charles, adam and elliot. ran into titus and marklim! and then ian.thomas so sweet gave me a phone call! ya it was gayism personified la me and elliot watched harry potter together just the two of us. damn sweet yeah?
and i must tell you elliot yeow jumped in the movie twice!! haha talk about a wimp inside a scholar's body. my dear elly, its a children's movie and you got scared by it rahahah.
below is a note to my love. please do not be kaypoh and read it.
my dear, i know of late you have suspected i have been infidel. i know rumours are flying about of me being with another girl. i want to tell you that i cannot bear to lie to you, and yes i have been involved with someone new. but i also want you to know that you are my one true love, and that while she may me the one in my mind right now, at the end of the day you are the one that is in my heart. please accept my apology and come back to me. i promise you now luna was nothing and will never mean anything to me. my dear hermoine, be mine again!!
your ashley boy
p.s// on top of all of that, the certain e.g. you know i know that nth can come between us. just a stupid fling, as you can see ;P
⥠you and i both loved
Thursday, June 14, 2007 @1:15 PM
okay so in less than 24 hours will be that time of the semester again. all the hard work (or lack of) will be finally put to the test. first paper on tuesday is AIR205-the rise of china, wednesday HPS307-personality, and finally on thursday AIR342-theories of international relations. heh heh as you can tell, i am a very boring person.
worst thing though is taking two units with the same studying of different theories of that specific discipline. meaning on one hand i have to remember the differences and comparative advantages/disadvantages between realism/liberalism/marxism and on the other hand, i have to do the same for behavioral/dispositional/psychoanalytical approaches. so hopefully during my psych paper i dont mistakenly start writing about freudian theory. heh heh why am i even talking about all this nerdy me.
tomorrow will be spent watching melbourne-collingwood although from at home because of the proximity to exams. hopefully that will follow with substantial studying which will be sufficient for tuesday's paper.
on a less snooze-inducing note, prepare for concerts galore!! omg first i read in the newspapers that sum41 and YELLOWCARD would be performing a joint-concert in august, which accounting for the fact that i enjoyed yellowcard so much last year, plus i like the new songs which i have heard so far, should be a definite unmissable. then i got an email from ticketmaster about the fallout boy concert which evangel had already mentioned, but i just clicked on the info for fun, and lo and behold, the opening acts are gyroscope and wait for it.... JACK'S MANNEQUIN!!! so what was originally a 'can miss' concert has now effectively become a "die-die-must-go!" sheesh so the next few days will be spent, whilst i am not mugging of course, on whether or not to watch. plus i missed The Used when they came so that was already a missed opportunity and the chances of these bands hitting singapore are like 0.3%???
so tomorrow promises to be a fruitful day, kickabout at carlton gardens again should be followed by a decent dinner, watching abit of footie on tv and then more mugging. no complaints really. ok updates are done, guess i'll run off and hopefully add a bit more knowledge into the big noodle. toodles!!
p.s - BABY BE SAFE!! angel you better stay alert & keep a lookout for eva! (for having a sotong sister, you have no choice really hahah!) sigh i really miss you, but have fun anyways <3
⥠you and i both loved
Monday, April 16, 2007 @8:28 AM
heyheyhey. am i being missed by anybody? alright i guess only by my one and only dearie =/
haha hell no! all my friends love me to bits they can't stop missing me. HAHA i'm sucha narcissist! okay i shall start with my unbelievably suayest day.
today was a very bad day. i told everyone online it was the worst day of my life, and maybe it really is. haha. well you see, for the first time since school started, i actually managed to wake up on a wednesday, which is the day with the most classes for me. so i was so happy i went to uni early and had breakfast there. so first class, psych lecture. but there were two lecture theatres side by side, and i didnt know which one it was in. so i followed the one with all the pretty blonde girls (haha) including one who looked like mischa barton! haha but yeah anyway i stopped right at the door and i looked at the theatre number. had a feeling it was the wrong one so i went to the other one. walked in first thing i noticed was the lecturer wasnt aussie, indian or srilankan or pakistani, along the lines. next thing i noticed, the students were almost all hongkies, and chinese and indians. almost zero locals. i was wondering what kind of racist school is this, where they put all the non-americans in one lecture. so then i sat down and then the lecturer went to open his presentation. "CLICK" and two big words appeared "COMPUTER NETWORKING".
i was like oh shit. i was originally going to the right lecture! but i was so embarassed i just sat down and pretended to copy notes, but i had no idea what he was talking about, except maybe when he mentioned kazaa. so after that i hastily made my way out for my next lecture, media&communication. also another first time lecture, but this time i made sure i was at the right lecture theatre. took out my timetable and checked 5 times. swear it was right, sumpah! so i walked in and sat down. then the lecturer closed the door. "CLICK"-SPORTS SCIENCE AND COACHING. omg you really have no idea how stunned and appalled i was at myself. how on earth does anyone go for the wrong lecture TWICE in a row?!? but at least this one was very very interesting i was even copying down notes honestly. so what went wrong was the media&comm lecture was an hour later! i checked the venue but didnt notice the time. i am so blur, and penny was laughing her head off just now when i told her.
aargh i am so cheesed off with myself! to think i was so happy to have made it to class today! i will forever go down in the annals of himbos/dumbjocks/losers you get the idea. well at least i made it to the right psychology tutorial, and wow there was this really cute brunette. but i kinda shot myself in the foot cause after class i asked my tutor which was the correct lecture venue, and he had no idea too. so she happened to be walking past us out of class and he asked her, then she told me it was the other one, then i spontaneously said "oh shit i went to the wrong lecture today". the look she gave me was priceless man, it was a combination of contempt and ridicule i wanted to bury myself in the classroom floor. but today's psych tute discussion topic was very very good. remind me again to blog about it someday.
and to sum up my miserable day, i finally got my two weeks plus worth of laundry done. and guess how long i spent ironing my clothes? 8pm-1am with a 15min dinner at 1130. the time i spend ironing clothes is the time other people spend to actually SEW the clothes. and halfway, i heard this sorta howling noise and i was pretty freaked out. but then i realised it was coming from jones' room. haha im not being mean but you should have really heard him sing. it was quite amusing, cause he's indonesian, but he was singing JAY CHOU for goodness sake. he knew all the words to an hao and qi li xiang, and all the other chinese songs. i was very amused i recorded it down. side-track a bit, elgay was pretty much traumatised too hahaha cos he claimed he can't get concentrate as those singings already filled up cells to every part of his body, GEE you can see how serious that was considering he's the well-known scholar amongst us!
so yeah there you have it, the worst day of my life haha. its erm 825am now, thankfully my only class later is at 1500-1550 so i can wake up rest a little more. and no class on friday as usual GREAT!
have a nice day everyone! ashley out!
ps: please tag my board people, its getting a tad too boring!
⥠you and i both loved
Tuesday, March 27, 2007 @10:29 AM
Spending time alone at home makes one really lethargic. After having sat down for about 3 hours in front of my computer playing around with my digital images and looking for inspiration from the net, I'm almost brain dead and everything is sorta frozen in a moment for me. The constant buzzing of the computer has somewhat become more noticeable and I'm more susceptible to zoning out, listening and looking out for things I usually will miss, like the crisp sound of the air moving or the sudden twitch of my toes..
I'm so tired. elliot william get your ass back here right now!!!
ash out!
⥠you and i both loved
